Welcome To The Menagerie- Part I- Babies Are Ruining My Life

Sweet Moses, it’s been a long time!! I do apologize to the five of you loyal readers ( Mom, big ups to you!) who hang on my every sentence for entertainment…and to feel better about you. I’m sort of like watching Intervention. At the end of it, you’re a bit confused, worried, turned on…but ultimately grateful that you don’t encounter the same type of dealy deal I do.

And that’s why I’m here, to bring horror to the masses.

Unfortunately, I may disappoint a bit. There’s so much to discuss, but I find my head more divided than anything these days. I’ll break this down with a generic overview:

I’ve left two jobs since we’ve last chatted and moved onto greener pastures. I have a legit copywriting job, and I’m the editor of a newspaper (frightening, perhaps).

I’m becoming more and more entwined with the community, which is great, since my goal is to ultimately do something positive for children, women in distress and shelter animals. Children and I tend to get along famously, as I’d rather spend my days sipping Juicy Juice, watching SpongeBob Squarepants and running around the house pants-less.

Children are awesome. They’re honesty, their integrity, and their ability to be happy with life’s simplest pleasures. I’ve had a glass of wine, so if this post goes sappy, blame the silly juice. While we’re on this topic, let’s get this out of the way…

My thoughts on children, as of September 2011:

So here’s the thing.

Most of you who know me, know how I feel about giving birth as I did a wholllle portion of my stand up comedy act on it and I’m not particularly shy about saying the following: I’d love kids, I just don’t want to birth them.

Previously, I’ve said the following things have to happen prior to me agreeing to have kids:

1. Caging children must become legal, so like a dog, if I get frustrated with little Yikes Jr. I can cage it until it learns not to pee in the house.

2. Men must be able to have uterine transplants. Seriously, they should be able to have children already…it’s 2011.

3. They would have to be able to put me to sleep, take the baby out, perform liposuction and wake me up when everything is over, with my tang tang intact.

4. The only alternative to three, would be having your egg removed, mixed with your partners, it’s put into a pod that you check on and feed…kind of like, sea monkey’s…and eventually, the baby grows and wakes up at nine months cuter than hell and ready for you. Kind of like…iRobot meets Identity Report…meets the Pilsbury Dough Boy ( he rises in time…in time…ON HIS OWN).

It’s a wonder I’m not married with kids yet, no?

Well…here’s the thing. Most of that nonsense above, while completely ignorant, stems from me assuming the right person will make me feel differently. My mother, who is probably gagging as she reads this, insists that as we get older…there is an instinct that rises.

So what’s been happening? There are children…everywhere. Seriously, criminally adorable children. Slowly but surely, I don’t feel like that anymore. I find myself looking at these families, envious that someone has made them feel like blowing their pelvis and tang tang region out was totally worth it.

Crap.

Furthermore, people from high school…from college…from my LIFE are having children at such a rapid rate it’s bananas. Some of them, I don’t even know they’re pregnant, then today I see TWO of them have, “Little Isaac turns one month today!” whaaaaa….t?

I’m 26. I’m in no way, shape, or form behind on the times. I’ve never been married, because I want to do it right…one time, and forever. Optimistic? Sure sure sure. Not in a rush ( absolutely no man believes this).

So many things in my head, that everything is sort of just…vomiting itself onto the page faster than my brain can process. With that said, I’m going to break things up into a several part series over the next few days.

So what about the prospects you ask? Stay tuned for tomorrow’s….”Welcome To The Menagerie-Part II-Prospects”

(AKA what you really stick around to read)