Let’s chat for a moment about dreams and nightmares. I’m someone who has extremely vivid evening affairs whilst off in la la dreamland. I wasn’t going to blog about this next, but with so much lined up and these dreams and nightmares continuously tormenting me, it seems only fair to torment you in return. Does anyone else have this? Where sometimes you’re so convinced it’s real that you can taste, feel, or smell whatever is going on? Where you feel like when you wake up you’re angry at someone, or in love, etc? That seems to consistently happen, but recently due to an overwhelming amount of stress looking for a new job, a new apartment etc., I’ve been having some crazy bizarre dreams. Here are the nightmares and dreams from the past few days, and then I’m going to try to break it down…
Nightmare: Friday, 11pm-4am (Yes, I was asleep by 11 on a Friday…)
Scene 1:
There is a luxurious property, surrounded by lush greenery. It’s a new house and I’m carrying a present, so that must have been I was there for that type of occasion…when I get inside, my friend Maria is there as are a bunch of my girlfriends. We’re all holding exquisite handbags…which doesn’t seem important at the moment, but it will. Whatever the event is, I seem to be asking for someone by name. However, when I ask, the name is jumbled as if it’s being “BLEEPED” out. As I’m looking for the guest, I stop near the stairs to find a tall, thin, blond girl wearing mustard men’s yellow chords, men’s t-shirt and belt, and bright orange new balances. She’s glancing upwards to the stairs and seems impatient. Curious to see what she’s so into, I look up the stairs to find my ex-boyfriend walking down the stairs with a laundry basket, and as he walks, the guest named “BLEEP” put her hand on my arm and whispered, “ don’t worry about it…it’s just a phase.” I turned to her but she was gone and my ex and the blond girl walked through me and out the front door. He was in a cut off white sleeve shirt and AND1 basketball shorts which…was bizarre. More bizarre, is the girl, the guest of honor, “BLEEP” as we’ve been calling her, turns to me and says… “My brother loves you, but thought you were pulling away so he pulled away first because he didn’t know what to do.”
All of a sudden, across the room, my friend Maria screams “Allyson…come get your handbag. COME GET IT RIGHT NOW…NOW…” The next thing that happened was a bunch of men with guns stormed this house and demanded we turn our bags over to them. I grabbed the purse, and ran out an open window…we were on the first floor, don’t panic.
Scene 2:
After the guns and scary men, I awoke briefly. This was the next scene…after falling asleep again…
Same house, but I find myself engulfed in that lush greenery I spoke of earlier, hiding from something I did not yet understand. My friend Maria is still there…next to me… “When I say run, you run…and I’ll see you inside.” As she darted across the lawn to try to make it inside to the house, I could watch vampires pick at her one after another…I ran after her feeling terrified…then I woke up. (And no, I’ve never seen Twilight, so it’s not because of that!)
Scene 3:
By this point I’ve been disturbed twice, I’m sweating like a 500lb man in a donut shop, and my dog is staring at me like I’ve been talking or screaming in my sleep, which seems highly plausible.
This time, I decided if I went back into nightmare mode, I’m taking control. Sure enough, I fell back into that same position I started in while in “Scene 2.” I heard myself say, “I just want to go home,” and then started my way across the lawn while zombies and vampires were picking people off…but as I get closer it appears that it’s mainly a joke. They come up to you and pretend, because now I was at a resort…and that’s how they welcome you. This buff Latin vampire comes up to me and I put my hand up saying, “Please don’t bite me. I’ve had enough for one day.” He turns to me and says, “don’t worry…I never saw you…” then turns around and winks at me before fleeing off in the distance. I walk through the flood of people like I cannot be harmed…because I’ve figured out it’s a game, a façade, and now it can no longer harm me. I walk up to my apartment, which is directly next to the resort. In this nightmare, I live over a resort bar.
I guess I had already been inside and settled, but for some reason I was walking back up the stairs at night (this is what it cuts to) and the Latin vampire is outside my apartment where a group of other “actors” are hanging out. We talk, we hang out, and he invites me to the bar down stairs that is riddled with the circular lifesaver rafts, netting and the usual cliché dive bar accoutrements. Although he’s not working anymore, he’s still wearing vampire teeth and no shirt. The shirt I was okay with, because he was built like a God but the teeth…? Okay, still kind of hot. When I get there, Maria is there…drunk…but very excited to see me. “Dude, isn’t this GREAT? How much fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu- then she fell off her stool and the thud jolted me out of the dream.”
Scene 4:
This is the grand finale, that ACTUALLY looks place between 4-6am. This time I’m back in the original house. In this instance, my friend from high school’s mom had moved into this new house. Beautiful kitchen and pool and there was a ton of people there to celebrate including “BLEEP.” This wasn’t necessarily scary, just weird. I haven’t spoken to the girl from high school in a bit. She moved away and turned into exactly what she didn’t want to turn into. We’ve spoken a handful of times, but she’s hurtful and I want no part of her selfishness. However, I love her family. So it makes sense that her family is in a new house and that I’d be there celebrating. As for “BLEEP,” if that’s meant to represent my ex’s sister…clearly, we’re not speaking either. Considering her role in everything and how she allegedly felt about me versus how I believe she truly felt, it felt weird to be friendly with her which is why her face and name were “blurred and bleeped” out.
I woke up at 6am and couldn’t really believe the rollercoaster I’d been on. What did it all mean? Although I wasn’t sure, it messed my day up! I could see the chiseled body of the Latin vampire, smell the dive bar at the resort, hear the men breaking into the house, feel “BLEEP” placing her arm on mine, the heartbreak of being treated as though I never mattered, and taste the remnant of Pineapple from the Bahama Mama’s I shared with Maria.
Most of the time, I’m a large believer in the idea that your dreams act out what you cannot. With that being said, here’s the abridged version of how I broke it down…
I’m at a strange place in my life. Where many had this feeling of instability after college, I went straight to graduate school so I never had to wonder “what am I going to do next?” Also, I have a flair for the dramatics…making me feel like right now, everyone is getting awesome jobs, they have great boyfriends/fiancés/husbands and they are buying their apartment/condo/house (clearly not the case). I’m lucky, because I’ve got great friends…but they have been missing in action recently as well. SO…I think that a bit of this, such as the gathering with my friends for the party in the beginning is the sadness of having less time with them. It’s like I’m trying to break into this house because I’m trying to break into my field….break into my life and who I’ll be post college. It’s all scary! And the resort? Because I need a vacation…obvi.
Phew…it’s over…PSYCH!(AKA): And Then There Was Sunday Evening
I’m really hoping this is normal, or else I’m just all kinds of throwing myself out there…but I often dream about ex’s. Some ex’s are from as early as middle school, all the way up through this past one and everyone in between. Actually, I had a dream (not a nightmare surprisingly) where my high school boyfriend and I had a peaceful interaction (See the addendum about me not letting things go and hating people for eternity. Then see the footnote where I stop hating you for eternity if you apologize, or it’s been over 8 years). Mostly all the dreams revolving around my ex, or the ex prior to that are relatively violent, hurtful, or upsetting to me (despite the fact I should be able to say, HEY dumb dumb…it’s a d-r-e-a-m-m-a-r-e! I needed a name for when it’s not really a nightmare or a dream…it’s a combo!).
Sunday was shocking, because although I had reached a point of Zen with my ex, he has recently violated that Zen. It’s like every time I think he can’t be a bigger jerk, he’s so competitive he feels the need to prove me wrong. As of now, it’s been about 9 months since we were together. You have read a portion of my shenanigans and I’d like to highlight…portion. If I were sitting at home crying, or using my friends who used to be friends with him to get to him…wouldn’t I have tried to do so by now? That may sound confusing, so let me explain BRIEFLY and ever so VAGUELY… (not?)
While I was with my ex, he made a friend…who happened to share a ton of similar interests and if we’re speaking candidly here…was really his only TRUE friend (when it comes to going and doing things in the similar areas of interests). His friend, who happened to be super nice, happened to introduce me to his girlfriend…and we got along instantly. While I was still with my ex, we didn’t hang out a lot with them because they were either traveling or we were busy, etc. After things ended, I wasn’t sure what would happen…mainly because I didn’t know them well enough to judge how they’d feel.
They were amazing…neither one treated me any differently, both very welcoming and warm. While my friend (we’ll call her Sally) was very open with me about when my ex would be there, John (her boyfriend, the friend to my ex) never told my ex I was there. Sally never wanted me to feel like she was keeping secrets, and I never did. He was not a topic of conversation like he’d like to believe…I won’t go through the entire fallout, but essentially…Sally told John that if he cared about my ex, he’d be honest and just tell him that I am “around.” At this point, I’d be down there quite a bit and we had a few close calls where my ex and I wound up at the same place.
When my ex found out, he freaked out, insinuating that I was down there using them to get to him. I’m sure he said a lot of other mean things, but as it was John did not want me to know that my ex had called him and told him that he could not have a friendship with him as long as Sally and I remainded friends. I felt responsible for ending their friendship but Sally and John were both incredible, John saying, “If that’s how he is, that’s unfortunate.” I was shocked and touched by their words, even offering to back off so that John could have his friend back. In true fashion for my ex, he un-friended John on Facebook when he did not get what he wanted.
Shortly after, we all became pretty good friends. As it turns out, they are two of my closest friends, whom I truly cherish and feel grateful to have in my life. I’ve never met more genuine people who are nice and caring, for the sake of being nice and caring. They were with me when I ran into him at my old favorite bar…when John turned to me and said, “We’re so glad to be here with you…I told Sally that before we got here.” It was the two of them who had a huge part in not telling me that although I thought my ex had left, he came back into the bar and stayed all night. My friend Amber said, “ We wanted him to understand that he does not affect your evening. You were having such a good time thinking he was gone…why spoil that?”
Cut to after that incident. Although my ex has a huge problem ever admitting he is wrong, it appeared that John’s friendship meant enough to contact him after New Years. He wanted to hang out, leaving a nice message up until the ending… “I’d love to see you, but…only if you guys aren’t hanging out with Ally.” I figured whatever…now knowing he was there the whole night and I paraded by him at the end, I’m sure he was angrier than ever that I appeared to be happy. I could understand that one. John let it go saying, “I’m sorry you feel like that.”
A few months have gone by, and it’s been relatively ex free. I’ve seen him in his car twice while in the area, but no contact with John (because he’d rather sit through a Musical showcase than contact me). I had a job interview in Coral Gables the other day, and went to lunch with my friend Sally at a place that my ex had found and shared with John. As we get there, she says…guess who contacted John last night? It was the same message: hope all is well, miss hanging out, lets hang out…if you’re not hanging out with Ally. At this point…I have to say that I don’t get it. What is the BFD (big f’ing deal)? It’s been 9 months…if I was using them, wouldn’t I encourage a relationship between the two of them? Wouldn’t I try to just show up while they were hanging out? I’d like you to build a bridge…a really large one that’s able to carry the size of your larger than life ego…and then, I’d like you to GROW UP and GET OVER IT. It’s like I’ve done something terribly wrong to him or his family, or he just found out I shoot up puppies with Heroin in their eyeballs, then make them cook me supper before I take them out to the field and shoot them. WTF!
Sally and I went to the Bubble Tea place that I really like going to but haven’t felt comfortable going to alone, as it’s really close to where my ex works. Sally makes fun of me because it’s like I have a radar for this kid…I always know when I’m going to run into him and I’ve never been off on my predictions. That day felt odd, because I had that weird feeling but so far everything had been smooth sailing. Also, it was almost 3pm, so I figured he’d not be out at lunch because of the time and not leaving work yet…so we were clear. After leaving the place, I was relieved that we’d almost passed his office when from afar…I see the Red Dragon (what I used to call his car) staring at me… “Sally…that’s him…” She started laughing and was like, “he just stared in here hardcore…probably trying to figure out who you were with and if it was really you.”
The next day I had another weird feeling…where I felt like maybe I was the one who needed to grow up and contact him, talk it out to a point where it’s not weird if we accidentally run into one another. I have a long line of defense before I contact him which prevented me from doing that when serious feelings were still involved. Frankly, if he can find it in him to come back to John, if he wanted to speak with me he’d figure out how to do that as well. Sally said, “I’m glad you called me first. He wrote to John again and said that he wants to hang out, he doesn’t care if we’re friends he just doesn’t want to run into you…”
So I’ve had this bad taste in my mouth for a week. As he continues to act like I’ve scorned him or I had flipped his world upside down. What’s happened in the past nine months has been huge…and I’m thankful for the opportunities to grow that have presented themselves. However, as I started to say two-three pages ago…most of my dreammares involving him are not pleasant.
Back to: Phew…it’s over…PSYCH!(AKA): And Then There Was Sunday Evening
Ok! Sorry about that but you needed a back story to get to the two second story I’m about to describe now…Sunday night was more pleasant than normal. The dreammare involved him following me around. Running into him at every possible moment and at one point, feeling incredibly irritated and (I think) pushing him before finally falling to the ground…We started laughing and he asked to date me for a drink. I said no. A drink leads to conversation, conversation to a kiss…etc…no. He continued to follow me around for what seemed like weeks in my dreammare. It ended with him at my apartment, spending time with my dog, and a kiss and tumble on the bed that felt so real I was beyond disturbed when I woke up…
In short (HA! Yeah right…my blog, my terms), I’ve written before about the power of music, but the power of dreams is a whole different beast. It’s that same feeling of transportation, to another time, a better or worse feeling, confronting things you may not wish to do when awake, etc.
