Just Call Me Julia!

It’s so weird to think how things have evolved, technologically speaking. At some points I feel like we can’t even keep up. We’re so techno-tasking [like that?] that we forget to reaaaaallly keep track of exactly what’s going on. You’d like an example? Let me reach into my magical grab bag of fails and pull one out for you toot suite.

In the past year I’ve met a ton of dudes. Not in a whorish way or anything like that, I’ve just met people. Plus, I’d take quality over quantity all day errr day. Like most other women, I have a way of dealing with men I’m not interested in. What I’m referring to is the usual go to method of letting the guy know you’re not interested, and he must cease and desist.

First, I look away and pretend as though I’m looking for someone else, and it’s very important not to break focus. If the person in question still doesn’t get it, I take it to phase two. At this point, my cell phone is drawn and I’m texting…anyone. That’s right. Absolutely anyone I can guarantee will text back and I can feign and giggle and some interest. Is it a hot Chris Evans look alike, or my mom? You may never know!

At this point, if you’re meeting the same men I have, they are either NOT convinced you’re not into it, OR…they’re determined to MAKE you interested. Either way, this fail boat continues to sail on ahead thus prompting more monotonous, strained conversation typically ending in a “what’s your phone number” scenario. This is where it’s time to make a judgment call…real number? I’m a firm believer in karma, and don’t’ really like to piss her off if I can swing it. Most of the time, unless you seem wildly unstable or have pestered me into oblivion…you get my real number.

Occasions where you may not get my number:

1. You have foul body odor or breath.

2. YoU TyPe Or SpK LyK DiS

3. You’re clearly not mentally 100%

4. I can just tell there’s no point as there are no redeeming qualities and I’m resisting the urge to punch myself in the face just to create a diversion. This guy must have struck one or more of this abbreviated pet peeves…but I still must have feared karma, or was just a bit touched by an angel when this happened…

[2 days ago]

Stranger: Hey

Me: Who is this?

Stranger: Bryce

Me: ….?

Stranger[AKA Bryce]: Sry, …?

Stranger: Hw are u?

Me: how do I know you?

Stranger: Who iz this?

Me: who are you looking for?

Stranger: Julia?

Me: Nope, sorry. I’m afraid you have the wrong number. This is Allyson.

Stranger: Def dnt know ne Allysons. I like dat spelling.

Me: Thank you.

[Then it occurred to me there was this 34 year old personal trainer about 8 months ago I wasn’t wild for and this could be him?]

Me: Hey Bryce, you’re not a personal trainer, are you?

Stranger: Nop. Sry. Mnger of industrial co.

Me: Done any online dating? I’m trying to think how I’d know you.

Stranger: uh oh, online dating? Are you cute?

Me: Are YOU cute? Of course I’m cute. I’m also biased.

Stranger: u sound cute. I’m a skinny white guy.

At this point I realized this was going to a silly place. I have no interest in starting a text fest with someone I’ve never met and have no interest in meeting. So, I put the silent treatment in motion. Shortly after…

Stranger: you must like only black guys

Stranger: where u go?

Stranger: ok well I wuz just kiddin so nevermind then.

Stranger: I took a pic. You going to send one, or what?

With the silent treatment clearly not working as planned, I responded…

Me: I’m walking into the gym. I’m not Julia, I apologize for the confusion, but please stop.

[Silence until about 9pm]

Stranger: So you all sweaty now? Need a personal trainer to come and work you out?

KNEW IT! A while ago when I met Bryce, I gave him a false name…Julia. BUT, I must’ve felt bad enough, or was not paying attention enough to realize I gave him my REAL phone number. FAIL. Ladies, best lesson ever…if you’re going to give a fake name, it might be a good idea to give a fake number too, so it doesn’t come back to bite you in the ass several months later!