Becoming a DAD, or suffering from DGS? I have the cure..or..some words for you?

Congratulations!

If you’re reading this, you’ve come to the realization that you are suffering from one of two very serious afflictions; Dumb Girl Syndrome (DGS) or Dumb Ass Dude Syndrome (DADS). By now, you’re confused and scared, wondering where you’ve contracted this from, who’s to blame and regretting not using protection the last few times. Relax. Sadly, like so many other serious diseases, DGS and DADS is typically a genetic defect or something learned from a very early age. Most likely if it’s learned, it’s due to a lackadaisical upbringing or poor choice in step-father or role model. So many Americans in particular between the ages of 13-douche bag suffer daily, and unfortunately, there seems to be no immediate cure.

“But Allyson, how can I KNOW for SURE if I suffer from either of these offensive diseases?”

Thanks generic question character, I’m so happy you asked! Today, we examine the symptoms of DGS and DADS and pose the serious question of…is there hope for a cure?

“Like, O…M…G, DGS?”

DGS, or Dumb Girl Syndrome, is continuing to run rampant. It appears to stem from need for attention, affection, or extreme denial. Girls who suffer from DGS are typically very easy to spot, as they tend to run in packs. During the winter season, they typically migrate north and west, clamoring to NY to catch a glimpse of the girls from The Hilly City (or whatev) or to LA to become the next contestant on The Real World (I’m going to be famous!). These girls are skittish, so if you approach them, be sure to do so calmly and without food in hand as they’re most likely hungry (eating= a major no no! But, you CAN have a cheese cube if you’re about to pass out). A half caff, light mocha frap has been known to calm the beast, but NO WHIPPED CREAM…God help you if there’s whipped cream…

Other symptoms tend to include possessing one or more magazines in their gigantic mansion of a purse, that often accompanies a small dog closely resembling a stuffed animal rather than an actual animal! These girls tend to drag their dogs everywhere, treating their pet as an accessory. Let me ask you a serious question…do you really think fluffy wants to be shoved into a Louie knock-off and toted around while you walk the city, read in Borders and gossip about how Scott likes to call you at 2 AM but cannot commit? If it were me, and I was a toy dog, I’d demand to be left home so I could flounce about the house believing I was living in a giant, “Fluffy” based world. Stop treating your animals like glitter…a fun accessory to “wear” sometimes and then other times you leave it on the counter until it comes back into style.

Many girls afflicted with DGS suffer from two other major symptoms, including an Oomp-ish orange hue and skunk-hair (defined by a platinum blond top layer of hair with a bright color or dark brown layer underneath). If you see this, do not blame these misguided girls as they are simply victims of trend and excessive media consumption. Someone needs to drop some knowledge on these girls that what the Gossip Girls or Kendra Wilson do is not gospel. Just because you see it, does not mean you must imitate. Matter of fact, if you see some celeb (or celeb wanna-boo) acting in any or a combination of the aforementioned ways , that should be a signal that perhaps it’s what’s “hot,” but really…it’s not.

For example, spandex leggings. Whomever reintroduced this fashion statement should be exiled! News flash: spandex…not for everyone. In addition, the reintroduction of hammer pants or as some call them “genie” pants? N-O-T cute and in this case, not for ANYone, unless of course you’re actually M.C. Hammer…or live in a bottle.

All girls suffering from DGS suffer denial and misguided notions, particularly when it comes to men. They cannot conceive why they’re not married or in a relationship, why their ex’s have not returned to shout from the roof-tops “I’m so sorry, I made a huge mistake!” This is very closely related to the book turned movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” If you’re sitting there thinking, “ that is so not true, I know he’s just intimidated by my beauty or my success…or my…love for my dog,” etc. then may I suggest you pick up a copy of either. Let it go sister, he’s not coming back because you take more time shopping then you do caring for homeless, handi-capped veterans. Okay, not really, but hopefully you get the point?

Is there hope for a cure? Let’s be serious. As long as the Paris Hilton’s and the like are some sort of diluted version of role models or public figures, my guess is no. While I’d like to say I’m optimistic for the future and finding a cure for this disease, I see little to no chance of that happening in my lifetime or those to come. Sorry. How do we avoid and/or comfort those suffering with this terminal illness? With laughter. Look around…one out of three women you know is suffering from this. If you can’t figure out who it is, as the old saying goes, it’s you.

So, you’re becoming a DAD!

This subject is literally one of my favorites, clearly, as I’ve taken the time ( at work naturally) to write about it at great length. I love men (albeit typically the wrong ones, but none the less)…real MEN. Not man-boys, or the ever present “man-baby.” Also on my list of “dislikes” are the symptoms included within this awful and sadly…flourishing disease. Men, brace yourself…these are the symptoms that if you have 1 or more, could mean that YOU…are becoming a DAD.

I would generally just write, “ large sunglasses,” as a distinctive characteristic of this disease that both boggles my mind and infuriates me. If your sunglasses are larger then mine, that’s an issue. It’s not a fashion statement, it’s idiocy and frankly sir…you look ridiculous! Oh, don’t believe me? Going to purchase some new shades? Ahhhh yes, I see you’ve chosen the ultra douche bag large WHITE sunglasses, or the sunglasses that shouldn’t even be classified as glasses because they have lines through the center of it. NICE choice. NEWS FLASH MEN: Kanye West…is an idiot. Anything he does, you should go ahead and do the complete opposite. He’s not black Jesus, he’s not the best thing to happen to fashion and/or rap. He’s a man…with bad taste. White glasses are the largest indicator of DADS…get it together men.

On the topic of de-manification, let’s discuss the following: guyliner, skinny jeans, Ed Hardy, shiny metallic gear of any kind and bejeweled ANYTHING. I’ve got to tell you…if I see one more embossed Eagle, Snake or false idea of manly-hood decorated in beads I used to play with from my Pretty, Pretty, Princess game when I was five, I’m going to LOSE it. If your jeans are skinnier and tighter than mine, if you’re wearing silver metallic gear, using my eye liner or foundation, OR if you’re wearing more jewelry (cubic zirconia, of course) or hair gel then I am, we have an issue (potentially multiple). When did gender lines become so blurred that it’s acceptable for people to say, “what a cute couple, now which one of you is which? Oh, nice black nail polish dude, it really matches your snake that’s on fire on your sleeveless vest and matching leather murse (man purse)!”

YIKES.

Similarly, the phrase “No Homo” comes to mind. Not only is the phrase retardedly offensive, but really? You need to make it clear to those around you that although you just said you love your guy friend, you’re not gay? And…you think…saying that phrase makes it better? Actually, it leads me to believe that while I wasn’t previously thinking you had any sexual interest in your friend…now? I kind of do!

How about this real life example I saw on a friend of mine’s wall on Facebook from another guy friend from high school:

“Hey dude. I was thinking about soccer the other day and I thought of you, so I thought I’d drop by your wall and leave some love. It made me so happy to see you with a girl in your picture and it seems like you’re happy, which makes me happy…no homo…take care.”

WHAT? Anybody catch what just happened?

I was thinking about you. I wanted to leave you love. I’m happy you’re happy. I’m not gay though. Alrighty then… not a masculine statement, not even a nice or reasonable statement and again guys, you sound ridiculous. It’s okay to wear things that make people question your eh.. “openness,” but heaven forbid they think you care and have girly emotions. PSSSH…how “homo.”

Another unfortunate side effect of DADS stems from factors starting at childhood. Men, just because your mother has told you since you were able to breathe that you are the hottest, most talented, smartest, gift to women in the WORLD does NOT give you a free range to be an ass. It also doesn’t mean you’ve won the lottery and are able to run around with a free “act like a douche for life” card. False. Take a look at why you haven’t had a successful relationship in years, or why you’ve been single and no one wants to get near your bejeweled fire snake for more than a second or two. And of course, that hot piece of ass feeding you compliments is…your mom.

DADS often enjoy provoking you to talk about their “situation down below,” or want to talk about how they’ve had a girlfriend for five years but still like to get freaky with other women. Don’t believe me? Read my previous post. All true and sadly, I have two more JUST like it on deck ( but I thought we needed a break!)

Is there a hope for a cure? Most likely not. As long as trends are in power, brains lack in power, and parents try to program their “little pieces of perfection” from the get go…de-manification will continue to lead to a more prevalent outbreak of DADS until it takes over all of the remaining (alleged) “real men.”

If you know anyone who fits in DGS or DADS or can foresee a cure in the near future, we at the “Foundation For A Yikes-Free Future,” would love to hear from you because frankly, it’s these type of people and scenarios that make me give it a “YIKES” and make my writing world go round!

Thanks for reading