Are you illegible to read this?

If you would have told me three months ago that I’d be working for the company I am, my first response would have been laughter. Yet, here we are, in the glorious advertising department of said company. Prior to beginning here, it’s mandatory that everyone attends orientation. If for some reason you thought your preconceived notions about the company were incorrect, this situation was ripe for validating how right you are. Although I work at their headquarters, everyone who’s hired around the same time does the same orientation at one of their stores in Miami.

I’m the only one from headquarters. The rest of the people are training to be dispersed to several varying stores throughout Broward/Dade County. A blond lady around the age of 40 takes a seat to my left, looking fidgety and as if she’s been around the block once or twice. To my right, are a girl who will be working at the call center and gentleman who speaks NO English. Legitimately not one word, and the girl from the call center is helping him write and understand his forms, translating the important things he needs to know to work in the warehouse. Most of the people in there are from the warehouse and it’s evident that most have had a hard life, and/or are not playing with a deck.

“Wish this thing would get started already,” the blond lady says.

“I know, right? Like we don’t have better things to do?” I reply, trying to seem cool and tough.

She nods, indicating the agrees and makes a “PSSH” sound before throwing her head back in sarcastic laughter.

This is going to be a long day.

The lady who will be leading orientation is short and Hispanic, with long blond hair and dark highlights, tight pants, too much makeup and long fingernails. As she takes the floor, I figure this can go one of two ways: really good (informative and quick) or really bad (waste of time and aggravating). My money is on the latter…should’ve bet the farm.

“Hey everyone, I’m Shannon, and I’ll be leading orientation today. Can everyone take their top folder and move it to the bottom of the stack? Also, can someone tell me anything about the company?”

What followed was a barrage of idiotic questioning, supplemented by thoughtless idiotic answers. Some were irritated that the questions were as simple as, “What does this company sell? Can anyone tell me?” or “What are the company colors?” While others were rolling their eyes as I was, wondering if anyone really needed to take a minute to ask those aforementioned questions.

Lunch break! Sweet!

The blond lady follows me down to the cafeteria before uttering, “mind if I sit with you?”

“Sure,” I said.

The conversation went on to discuss her father’s profession as a strip club owner, and how she got tired of working there. She used to have a wealthy boyfriend but he left her and while she loves photography and would work in the field, there’s just not enough money. Also, she hoped they wouldn’t make her cover up her BACK length Jaguar tattoo (not the car, the animal).

When we get back, the woman in charge is ready to discuss the company benefits. As I’d be working part time, none of the benefits truly applied to me, so I began to doodle and let my mind wander.

“After three months of work with this company, you become illegible for your benefits.”

Wha-…did she just? No, she couldn’t have said illegible, I’m hearing things!

“If you are part time, you are not illegible for benefits.”

Twice? Okay, this is not a mistake. Can it really be, that someone this misguided is in a position to teach others? Ah, yikes.

I lean over to the blond lady and ask, “Did she just say…illegible instead of eligible?”

“Fuck yeah she did,” she said.

“That’s what I thought.”

In the process of the next two hours, this woman used that term several times, forcing me to wonder…am I not eligible for benefits, or do I not know how to read? Once I began working at headquarters, I told the story of what had happened and sadly enough, I was not the only one. It appears many others “illegibility,” was called into question.

YIKES.